I’m writing this review, similarly to how I wrote the review for The Thing, as more a log of my reactions. If I could tweet from the theater without the rest of the audience wanting to kick my @$$, I would. My ADHD riddled mind works like Twitter anyway, so here are my thoughts about Paranormal Activity 3.
First I’m going to do something new, and include my reactions to the previews.
Creepy clown dolls, me no likey. Is this a folk tale? It sounds familiar.
“The Woman in Black”
What is wrong with his thumbs? Nasty. Oh look another 60-year-old actor with a 30-year-old actress playing his wife. Dude is fighting wolves in the snow with broken bottles between his fingers.
That was one of my favorite songs. Is this a Misfits ripoff?
Julian Sands! This looks pretty kick ass. I really want to read the book, and see the original movie though.
“The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”
Another preview! I thought it was fall. Creepy exorcism movie. Don’t go near that lady! Oh Snap!
…and now our feature presentation SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT!
That sweater is so 80’s perfect. So is the furniture, and even the phone!
Great continuity with Katie wearing the dress from the picture in part one.
Teddy Ruxpin! That toy was so creepy. It really did used to talk without batteries.
Even though they didn’t make him do anything. His mere presence is creepy.
I have found crawl space closets to be creepy ever since that one Tales from the Darkside episode that I saw as a child, with the girl who rents the room from the professor and the little creature comes out of the crawl space closet. The creature turned out to be the professor’s daughter. At any rate, I’ll never buy a house with one of those little closets in it.
Parents smoking pot. Shout out to Poltergeist #1.
Guess what they do next with the camera? This is why not just anyone can be a porn star.
Creepy voyeur demon.
Little Christie is talking to the demon. What kind of poltergeist/demon is named Toby?
At this point I am already wondering if and when the dad is going to die.
Never check what’s in the closet.
Oh $h!t! Jump scare. They got me good.
That camera panning from dining room to kitchen is an exercise in patience and suspense.
Who sleeps in a mens button up every night?
How did she stick her arm that far into the garbage disposal. (Who else thought Toby would turn it on?)
This is why Toby is antagonizing Katie to this day. She started it.
Babysitter Lisa is so like totally 80’s.
Don’t tell mom the babysitter’s scared.
Oh $h!t! Another jump scare.
Is Toby’s bed sheet ghost a shout out to John Carpenter’s Halloween?
Katy and Randy play Bloody Mary. Unlike the commercial they showed 50leven times with Katie and Christie. While I’m on the topic. The mom never got snatched up the hallway, and the water never got thrown on “Toby”, and the closet “trick” wasn’t in the movie either. Maybe the test audience said there were too many jump scares. Maybe the producers/film makers decided that the heavy rotation of that commercial would take away the element of surprise. I don’t know, anyway Toby hates the Bloody Mary game.
Randy gets Zaked (Scratched by an entity as pioneered by Ghost Adventures’ Zak Bagans and crew, who often get scratched, grabbed and have bricks thrown at them by ghosts.)
Randy gets the hell out of there, telling the dad, “This isn’t Casper the fucking friendly ghost!”
Oh $h!t! Toby just snatched Katie up by her hair!
Why are the kids still sleeping in their room? I’d be hysterically inconsolable until I was sleeping between my parents if some $h!t like that happened to me.
The TV turned on and is showing snow. Poltergeist shout out #2
Of course the mom doesn’t believe, and won’t watch the tapes.
Toby is still PISSED at Katie.
How the hell do you sleep through your child getting thrown around in their room.
Toby moving kitchenware around. Poltergeist shout out #3
The mom is ready to leave now that Toby showed her his kitchen trick.
I think Christie was serious about marrying Toby. She promised to do something for him.
Off to Grandma’s house we go.
Why do people sleep with the door open?
I bet Grandma is in that coven.
Yep, the dad is pretty much gonna die.
Uh-oh that’s the symbol from the closet, and a pentagram.
This is all kinds of messed up.
The old ladies (Grandma’s coven) are coming! Run!
Oh $h!t! Toby just threw the mom at the dad! Well, her limp body.
Toby wants his child bride.
What about Katy?
Oh $h!t! That’s not Katy.
Oh $h!t! Toby broke the dad’s back! Snapped him in half like a twig.
The moral to every Paranormal Activity movie is: Don’t have a Y chromosome. You’re gonna die.
I know I wrote “Oh $h!t” a lot, but that is because I really said that at those moments, as did a few other audience members. That was my honest reaction. So with that my new rating system is born. I give this move 6 Oh $h!ts!
ETA: The name “Toby”. Toby Hooper directed Poltergeist. Shout out #4! I can’t believe I missed that. I’m going to the IMDb page for Paranormal Activity 3.
ETA: Many people have asked if Christy married Toby. I believe she did, because at the end the Grandmother says something about being ready. Another reason why I think this is so is because even though people may think of Paranormal Activity 2 as a prequel to part one. I believe that it is actually a sister film with the events of both movies happening at the same time.
Toby was still messing with Katy while at the same time trying to take the baby boy that Christie just had. Both girls had no memory of what happened during their childhoods, so Toby’s actions came as a surprise to them both. In retrospect I think this is why Toby kept killing the men. It’s because he considers Christie and Katie to be his wives.